I know I usually talk about working out and clean eating on Wednesdays but I decided to switch it up and have a little girl talk this week. So Last week I went in for my annual pap smear which I usually dread because I always end up getting the pregnancy talk. This time the talk went something like this:
Dr. M: “Good Morning Ms. P, how are you doing today?”
Me: “Great!”
Dr. M: “So I see on your chart it says you don’t have any children.”
Me: “Correct”
Dr. M: “Do you intend on having children?”
Me: “No”
Dr. M: “LOL, you answered that quickly. Well please keep in mind you are 33 years old and it would be best if you attempted to conceive within the next 3-5 years. I’m just saying in case you change your mind. It will be much harder to conceive after that time period.
Me: “Thank you, I will keep that in mind”
After having that conversation with my gynecologist I really got to thinking. I am a woman in my early thirty’s which I claim and love. However, I’ve never given much thought to having a ticking biological clock. Isn’t it always someone else that makes you pay attention to a dormant situation? I can honestly say that I do not see children in my immediate future nor am I sure I even want to have children. Some of you may not know this but I was previously married and children were a possibility at that point in time. Unfortunately, I ended up getting divorced at that age of 28; kind of late in life to start all over. Part of me still wants to be a mom but realistically it’s not looking to good. I seriously feel like that time in my life has passed.
If I really put this into perspective based on the timeline given to me by my gynecologist, I would have to meet someone get married and have kids in the next five years. Yikes! That’s kind of scary, but definitely not impossible. I guess this is where dating with a purpose would be extremely important. Dating with a purpose…that brings about another question, do I want to get married again??? This post is bringing about more question then answers, lol.
With all that being said I would like to know what you ladies think. Do you have kids? Did you feel pressured to have children before getting pregnant? Are you a single woman in her thirties, do you feel pressured to have kids? Let me know what’s good; am I that only woman not planning out a wedding and a pregnancy?
38 Comments
O.K this is surely a Woman's Choice. I was married at 25, had my only child when I was 32 and I Thank God for him. When he was 5, I divorced his father and raised him as a single Mom. It was tough then and I hear it's tougher now. But my Son has been a blessing to me and I have no regrets in divorcing his father. Motherhood is hard work and you cannot resign from that job, but it comes with much happiness and Love that every woman should have. Am I saying you should run out and get pregnant right away! NO. Not everyone can assume the responsibility of being a Mom, but if you have the Desire & Love to be a Mommy, find the right Daddy and get crackin. . .
interesting because Im 32 yrs old and whenever I visit my gynecologist she is convincing me to get on bc pills. lol
right now, i dont want any kids either. im a single woman, never been pregnant, and have never been married. if it happens, it happens. you're not the only one…we are in this together! honestly, i would prefer to get married vs. have children. good topic of discussion.
I'm not sure if I have shared this with you, but my mother had me when she was 38. Granted, I was a surprise, but all things work together for the good. I am glad to read you said anything is possible. If it's in God's will for your life, it will happen and if it doesn't, I'm sure you will be content with that as well. Personally, I never could envision being married or having children and now look… LOL.
P.S. I have friends under 30 who are already being asked by their doctors what they plan on doing regarding children.
Shea, you brought the heat this afternoon with this one chile!! 🙂
People (doctors included) always want to get in the head of a woman who's in her 30's with no children as if she's some kind of strange person or something. It's like telling an overweight person that they're overweight. Um, thanks. I already knew that. -__- Some of them mean well, but there are others who have the intention of making you feel bad, or wrong for your life choices.
I have two children. One totally unplanned, at the tender age of 19, and the other was planned a few years after I got married and I had him at the age of 26. There was no pressure for my oldest obviously because of the age circumstances, but even though I was still quite young, there certainly was pressure after I was married for a while and my daughter was getting older (they are 7 years apart for a reason, lol). I got the, "So, when's the next one?" question so much that I thought I was going to lose my mind. Then it took us almost two years to conceive my son, which was hard enough in itself. Before we decided to "try" and have our son, I just brushed off the questions and told people, when I was good and ready. Once we were trying (and failing over and over again), and I was still getting the questions, I ended up being down right rude at times.
I apologize for the long comment. But I said all of that to say this… People never know what someone is going through, or what they have plans to do, and it's not their obligation to broadcast it either. People need to mind their business. There. I said it. LOL!!!
Doctors have to do what they are called to do medically speaking and so you sometimes walk away pondering your life choices. But if you are where you are supposed to be and a husband and children aren't on your radar, enjoy life. The clock is just a benchmark; many women have children past the age of 35 with no increased difficulty but it's a good to be aware. I wouldn't make this in to a pressure situation.
BTW I'm married and have 4 children and had #4 as a late in life surprise at the age of 36.
Children are blessings; but we don't need to compare blessings they are many ways to have a blessed life.
wow, I find your doctor's comments really rude. There is this assumption in society (and in medical practice) that when a woman says she does not want children, that she doesn't know what she wants and will change her mind, because surely she DOES want children, being as it's her main function in life (or something). You notice similar things aren't said to men.
As for myself, I was rather ambivalent about having children, despite being married for a number of years. In the end I did have one because my husband REALLY wanted one and I have no regrets and I love my son to death. But ultimately this is a choice a woman has to make and in the meantime people should respect whatever choice she makes, even if she changes (or doesn't) her mind later on!
Gods timing has nothing to do with your "biological clock" if you want to be a mom and God has that written you it will happen. Its just that simple. I want to be a wife and mom but i am single. I dont pay other people opinions and thoughts no mind. They have nothing to do with me. Studies use to show women couldnt have babies after a certain age. Well really people kept telling people that so they believed it. So have babies today, tomorrow, a year from now or 10. it dont matter. It is possible =)
I wish people would stay out of folks ovaries. As a medical professional I get doctors reminding ppl that their biological clock may be winding down, but dang let it go. Tell me once and KIM. Also, most ppl are aware that your eggs start getting scarcer after a certain age. I don't have kids, I'm 34, and I'm not in a rush (biological clock be dammed) to pop a baby out because I don't think I may not be able to conceive in the future. I'll go pick my child up from a foreign country like everybody else in 5 years. 😉
I am also 33, and was relieved by your Dr's 3-5 year time frame lol! That's way more time than I thought I had! My last Dr's visit, she told me "definitely don't wait"….uhhhh, okay tell that to my man!!!! I feel SOOO much pressure, and most of it comes from myself! I am in a relationship (been 2.5 years) but he already has a child that was a surprise from his last relationship so I'm stuck waiting for him to bade ready for another one. I was ready a while ago. Unlike you however, I'm not exactly waiting for the marriage thing before having kids. Never thought I would say that back in my 20's, but now in my 30's my ideas have changed. Laughed at that second pic, "but I was 35" lol! Oh dear.
ok Here we go. I am also 33 years old with no children and no prospective husband. I do not feel my biological clock is ticking because quite frankly I don't think I have one. I have no desire to have children out of wedlock so I would have to find a husband first wish seems dismal these days. I will not just marry anybody just to say I'm married. I'm enjoying a full life right now and if the rest happen on God's time then great. I'm open to adoption because I don't feel I have to have a biological child to be a mother. I can adopt at any age so I don't feel the stress. I'm one who is quick to tell folks "it's none of your business when I want pop one out. Are you offering childcare and a college fund? Well if not back off?" Lord knows I already feel like a mother with the amount of needy students that I have. Another thing, I've been teaching for a while and kids are just not all they are cracked up to be. Just saying.
After I turned 26, my family started TELLING me I needed to have children, and I kindly ignored anything they were saying, I wasn't in a serious relationship. Once I was in a serious relationship, they were pressuring me more and more. I had my first child about a year ago, I was 31. I've always wanted to be a mom, but it is hard work, they are a blessing, but IT.IS.A.LOT. I know people that have had children at 45+, so anythings possible.
Now, dating with a purpose, I've always done that, if I can't see myself with someone for the long haul, I'm out!
This is so funny, that she would tell you that your clock was ticking, I was married and had my son at 27. We divorced 3 years later and I raised my son on my own. He is such a joy and blessing. Fast forward to now 13 years later, was in a relationship for 5 years trying and nothing happen, and after breaking up and in a new relationship a year later without even trying, just found out I am pregnant, yea at 40, so don't let her scare you about ticking clock, if it is in God's plan there is nothing that can stop it.
It's a bit scary but I am so ready for it and so is the rest of my family!
It's guilt. women in their 50's have healthy children if they have healthy lifestyles. I know, I'm a dentist AND a midwife.
Plus don't feel any kind of way about that. Life happens. many of the folks who have children weren't necessarily planning to have them.
I went to the doctor earlier this year and had the SAME conversation. Thankfully because of my religious beliefs most people don't pressure me to have children since I'm not married. Even if I were married, I'm not sure that I would want the responsibility of children. Its a huge job and I kinda like my life as is. I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want and I love that.
You're not alone! The pressure to have kids is tremendous sometimes – for the first five years of my marriage everyone assumed I was pregnant whenever I got sick… nope, just the flu! Personally I think it's disrespectful when docs (or anyone, really) just expect that you're going to have kids just because you're female. No need to rush anyway – if you decide you're ready and it doesn't happen biologically, there's also adoption. Or, maybe you decide that's not a path you want to head down, and that's ok too.
as someone else mentioned, you can have a baby at any age, so long as you're living a healthy lifestyle.
more important than that, child rearing does not solidify your womanhood. "society" preaches that you aren't a woman if you don't get married and have kids, or that there's something wrong with you.
Everyone doesn't want children. I believe it's selfish to bring a child into this world, knowing in your heart you don't want the responsibility.
do whatever it is you feel is best for YOU
You are NOT alone. I am also in my early thirties and the eldest granddaughter to my paternal grandparents who constantly hound me about having kids. Only within the last year has my maternal instinct kicked me and I've been hella 'broody' as the Brits would say, but I refuse to hook up with someone for the sake of having a child…..at the same time, I'm not trying to have a 2-yr old at 40. It's a catch 22 type of situation….we'll see what Daddy God has up his sleeve 😉
Definitely not alone on this one! I'm 27, in a committed/serious relationship, and while marriage is still on the horizon for us, I don't think having children is. In fact, I know it's not. Neither of us want them, and I think that's okay. I'm past saying it's for "selfish" reasons… It's just never anything I felt the desire to do. Marriage vs. Children, whether they happen simultaneously, or with the same person… I'd pick marriage. I love my brother's kids, and I love the kids I've met through other friends, but I've never had that internal desire to have one of my own. I love being able to play with them for a bit… and then give them back. 🙂
Having children is not something that you rush or should have a time clock on in my humble opinion.
It should be done at the right time, in the right place with the right person. It makes raising children easier and trust and believe it is the most wonderful challenging job a mother will ever had so making it easy is sort of a contradiction. The questions one should ask themselves are am I mentally healthy enough to to teach someone how to live? Can i sacrifice my wants and needs for another? ect….
I had my first child @ 34 after a failed marraige @ 26 I was overwhelmed leaving the Army and wanted to enjoy me time. At 31 I moved to a new city for a fresh start and that day I met my future husband, father of my child and love of my life. I would say continue to eat healthy and exercise and don't count the possibility out God does so much more than we can ever imagine. If you don't want children something I use to say because life circumstance made me not imagine that as even a posibility KEEP OPEN MIND.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Having children is a great experience. Tears come to my eyes when I think about all the love I have for my children. However, they are a time consuming, self sacrificing, and the ultimate responsibility of my life that I refuse to fail with. They depend on me and I depend on Jesus, myself, my husband and my children as my motivation. With that in mind, If you are not ready for that then I would not advise you to embark upon an endeavor not meant for you just because of your so called "biological clock." I believe your dr was doing his/her job with the advise given and the advise did what it was supposed to,,,,,, get you to seriously think about your life and future with or without children. Prayer and mediation and doing things in God's time frame not our own always works out best. He knows your future and what is best for you.
Best wishes!
We share the exact same story. Divorced at 26. At the cusp of 30 I was wondering if I'd ever find a new husband. I even planned to get artificial insemination and it would just be me and my baby. But at 30 I met my husband we got married when I was 34. I thought I wanted kids. But a year after marriage I changed my mind. I wrote about it on my blog: http://blog.shopdirtylaundry.com/posts/2011/8/29/childless-by-choice.html
I'm 39 now and I still find myself not wanting children. However, it's the last year of my 30s and I'm questioning life in general! Well, that's another topic!!!
Thanks for sharing this. I am a 31 year old woman who believes that one of my ultimate purposes in life is to have children biological and become a mother. I have yet to have any yet. I've been in three long-term relationships that have ended. I often times have meltdowns and get extremely sad when I think of not having children. But, then I realize that there's a reason for everything and I pray to God and thank him in advance for blessing me with the children that I want. In due time. In due time.
Funny, I had children at 21 and 28 and I feel like I should have waited or not done it at all. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I hustle like nobody's business to provide for them but I feel like I missed out on my own life because I became a parent too soon. You can't let someone put a time on when you should have children especially if you truly don't have the desire. Just keep living your life and if the man that God has for you, shows up and you decided to marry and have children then go for it. Don't let the pressure of time and other people's perceptions make you rush an important decision like this.
When I was 28 I thought I wanted kids now in my mid thirties and the though of a pregnancy doesn't appeal to me. I may adopt later on but abig kid like 5 years old or something if I meet and marry a man with kids already the bettter for me. It's just who I am the thought of child bearing and rearing doesn't quite appeal to me at the moment
I'm 34 and its not that I don't want children but I'm not in a rush to have any either, For me it seems like people are shocked when I say I have no children like I'm strange or missing out on something. Pressure for me comes from my mother who even has a imaginary granddaughter which she's named Brianna she feels like everyone is a grandmother but her. So I don't know if my "biological clock" has been disconnected or I'm missing one but I've never felt I gotta have a baby NOW! I think if the time comes and I can't physically have a baby adoption is an option
Shea….thank you for putting this poster up…i thought i was the only being harassed by my dr…I'm 32, never married, never pregnant and not in a relationship…but guess what…i love my life with or without marriage/kids…if God wants to give me a life partner then He will give me in his timings.
People always ask when are you getting married, when are you having kids…when,when,when,when,when…just like one commenter said..really people should get out of people's ovaries…and stop asking when,when,when,when,when…LIFE IS MORE THAN BEING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS…LIFE IS ALL ABOUT ONE BEING HAPPY IN WHATEVER CHOICES HE/SHE HAS MADE..
I would love to chat with you. I am 39, never had children.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm 39. Married in my early 20's, divorced. Now I am 39. I don't have children. My MD (thankfully) has never added to any pressure I might have put on myself. Someone else mentioned that people are always asking when. When you're single=When are you going to have a boyfriend? When you have a boyfriend=When are you getting married? When you're married=When are you having kids? I can go on and on. I myself have never asked anyone any of those questions.Too personal. I think that some women are born to be mothers and others are not. Neither makes you less of a woman and if you choose not to have them, there is nothing "wrong" with you. I always thought I would have them. I still want to. Even though time as they say is not on my side. But, that doesn't mean that I cannot have a fulfilling life if I don't.
Don't let what the doctor tell you when the time is right. Doctors don't have the final say, GOD does. I'm 33 years old with three children and I have been married for 12 years, and at times I still feel like a single parent. There is no way a husband or father can do enough in a mother's eyes. It just a maternal instinct no one can be better to your child than you. With that being said, I wish I had waited until later because I feel like so much me time has been sacrifed between wife and mother. I probably won't get any me time until I'm over the hill!!!!! GOTTA LOVE THE KIDS
I'm married with big kids. I'm old 42 yrs. lol I think it's never to late look at Nia Long and Halle Berry they both just had in their 40's you stay in shape you would be find you still have plenty of time if you decide to. take your time don't rush
Times are changing. If it's what you want, go for it. https://www.curvesandconfidence.com/2013/11/girl-talk-biological-clock_4919.html
I had my first and only child 9 days before my 21st birthday. I was really scare but my son's father was with me. I really was not ready to take care of a child. My son is now 13 and I am still not ready to take care of him. I work 2 full time jobs and have been doing so for the last 10 years and me and my son father is together. I have miss a lot things in my son's life because I feel I need to be able to take care of him financially.
I come from a home where lights were cut off and we lived in homeless shelters three times when I was in elementary school. I was in foster care and I never want my son to go through that so I work all the time. But next year I will be working on letting go one of my jobs. (also at this time I attend school)
I will say only you know when you are ready for a child. If you are established and have done everything you want to do than maybe it is a good time to have a child. You also have to keep in mind that you might meet a wonderful man who want to have children. I know a young lady who have a son that is 24, she got married about 2 years ago but her husband do not have any children. SHE IS 42 AND IS TRYING TO HAVE A BABY!! Trying to have this baby have been hard on her and her body. The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be a mother and could you be mother to a child that is not biologically yours? There is a real need for foster parents and guardians. If you didn't have kids of your own you can always adopt. But raising children is a lot of hard work but have it's rewards.
I few a few ways about this. People should be left to make their own choices. However, I am a Registered Nurse and the reality is that although some women do have children in their 40s and 50s, that is the exception and not the rule. It is NOT okay for women to think "I can have a child whenever I want." biologically or otherwise. Biologically speaking it is flat out untrue in most cases; women go into to menopause, and you never know when it will come. Years ago while I was in school one of my Nursing instructors told me that she went into menopause at the age of 19, but she luckily had a child before then.
Also, although SOME women are able to conceive and give birth in their 40s and 50s the risk of birth defects skyrockets. It is not just a matter of exercising and eating clean. As women we are born with all of the eggs we will have in life, they are not regenerated. So, that means that those eggs are near a half a century old for women in this age group; lots of things can go wrong. And also it is really not fair for a child to be born with birth defects or to a parent who in reality, they may have to think about putting in a nursing home when they are still a teen or in their 20s, because they have developed Alzheimer's/dementia, or had a CVA (stroke), etc in that time frame.
That said for those who absolutely do not want children "c'est la vie", I guess. But playing with or babysitting kids are nothing compared to having your own; in loving, and being loved. You never know what true love is until you are loved by your child* (*that is my opinion, not fact). Even with marriage; having a partner in love under God is a beautiful thing. I myself have been with my husband since I was a teen. However in life great marriages end for good reason or for none at all. So, don't necessarily bank on that marriage fulfilling your life forever.
And on the single life, I think it's great to be single with no children; living life free, the only person to worry about is yourself. One of my aunts is that way, never married, no kids, has flown around the world and back multiple times. Now she is in her 60s and lonely. No kids with their families to spend the holidays with. No grandkids to love and adore.
I think everyone should be able to make their own decisions without judgement, but I also believe that those decisions should be mostly based upon facts and reality. After all you only have one life, and when your time has passed the is no do-over.
Must disagree w your dr. Had my 1st at 36…my 2nd at 41…and I want another in a yr or so. I have a friend who had her 6th at 44. All is possible!!!!!
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I'm a 32 single female. There are times I find myself doubting and feeling depress because I am still not married with no children. Having a family and a husband is something that I really want to have. I have a fabulous life and i am very bless, but it does get lonely sometimes. I don't need a man to make me happy that I know. It sucks sometimes the waiting period can be tough. I truly believe that to every season god has his reasons. I cant put a question mark where GOD has place a period. I am truly bless and I appreciate the life I have. I have faith that GOD is grooming me and making room for the right person to come into my life. I was reading some of the comments and I am at awed at many of the strengths that you women have. It inspires me, because I know I am not the only one going through this.
Peace, Sis! Love your blog! I know this is late, but I'd like to chime in. I'm a single Black woman, aged 34, with two teens. Yes, I was a young mommy with a long engagement that was called off just in time for me to dodge a bullet — somewhat literally. At any rate, I'm on my with these two children, but I've always seen myself having more. I wanted a large family. Things got in the way: school, career building, raising and advocating for my seeds. Love just got put on the back burner. That doesn't mean I didn't want it. Just because I have these two doesn't mean my clock stopped ticking. It's as if I woke up one morning at thirty with babies on the mind. But I hadn't dated in 15 years, and if you conclude that whatever nonsense a 15 or 16 year old gets up to does not constitute "dating," then I guess I'd never really dated. So I did what anyone would do. I started a blog about it LOL. Went on lots of dates and I'm still trying to work it out. Women have healthy babies in their 40's these days, I know, but I'm not sure I would have the energy to keep up at that age. What I know from having teens is that they need you to keep up. So, back then I gave myself til 37 to at least be in posession of a man with whom I feel I want to raise a child with. And about two or three years have passed. Idk what will happen much sooner than I write about it. But I know this: I'm not a failure as a woman or somehow pitiful if I don't have that big family I always wanted or if I never get married. Marriage, children and all of that — the purpose has been to have a fulfilling life. But those things aren't the only things that fulfill a person. I've always had things I want to do outside of having a traditional family. So I work on developing those interests a bit more and focus a little less on finding Mr. Right. If I find him in time to have more children, I do. If not, I'm ok with it. Just thoughts.