It’s one-day post Mother’s Day and for me the day is always a mixed bag of emotions. Many of them stemming from my own relationship with my mom and missing my maternal grandmother who passed away many years ago. But I usually end up feeling frustrated because this is the one day people feel the most comfortable inquiring about why I don’t have children. While I feel absolute my decision not to have kids it hasn’t been an easy one.
Ah-ha Moment
Have you ever had an ah-ha moment that leads to a meltdown? Which then led to a life-changing event. My life-changing ah-ha moment happened on my 35th birthday, five years ago. Y’all know I love my birthday, like really, really, really love my birthday.
However, 35 hit me a little differently. I was in a long-term situationship because it was comfortable. We spent my 35th birthday together and that night I bawled into my pillow. Yep, I had a full-on whaling meltdown. I was in my head about not being married and not being a mom. Where were my husband and 1.5 kids?
Fresh Start
After I had that long cry I got myself together and made some decisions. I ended my situationship. I stopped being so hard on myself about not being a mom yet. I was letting everyone around me force me into thinking I was suppose to have children for nothing more than their selfish reasons and opinions:
- You should give me some grand-babies – Mom
- When you gonna have a lil girl, she’d be so cute. You could blog about her – Cousin
- What are you waiting for you aren’t getting any younger – Dad
- You don’t have kids, OMG why? You’d be a great mom – Everyone
- Give it time, you’ll have one eventually – Everyone
Any time I was in my family’s presence the topic of me having children always came up. I guess they thought it was cute and jovial but it was annoying and bothersome to me. This happened for years! Until I put a stop to it. I finally asked my mom, aunts, and cousins not to bring up the topic of me having children unless I start the conversation. Problem solved!
Facing a Hard Reality
Even though I didn’t want my family bombarding me with questions about my uterus. I still wasn’t sure about having children. Ideally, I wanted to meet the perfect guy, get married and possibly start a family. But I was getting older, which required me to ask myself some hard questions. Did I really want to be an older mom? I liked my life…I did what I want when I wanted to, I am responsible for myself and no one else. In addition to still wanting to finish graduate school and all also pursue my Ph.D, where did a child fit into that scenario? Besides that, I had to face the fact that most men my age and older were done raising kids.
I Found a Baby for You
It seemed like the odds were stacked against me. Until I randomly received a call from my cousin telling me about a child in NC that needed fostering, which could lead to adoption. She actually said “I found the perfect baby for you”, lol. I had considered adoption previously but not as a single parent. I had zero interest in parenting alone. Especially, since the majority of my family (my village) was not local.
None the less I considered the option. Arrangements were made for me to meet the child but it didn’t work out. Thankful there was more interest and opportunity in the child’s mother getting herself together, to keep her child, instead of permanent removal. She was a young girl herself and came from a bad situation. Oh, and don’t get me started on certain family member’s reactions to me considering adoption (eye roll). I honestly can’t say that I wasn’t devastated because I knew it was a long shot anyway.
That’s Not a Deal Breaker
After that situation, I didn’t put much consideration in motherhood for a while. That was until I met this new guy on Instagram. We instantly hit it off and I knew I needed to have the “conversation”. I needed to find out his stance on having kids before we got too involved. At this point not having children wasn’t a deal-breaker for me. I just needed to go into the situation with my eyes wide open.
Two weeks later I became his girlfriend. This is the point where I’m supposed to say, “and the rest is history” but nah. What started out great but the relationship ended after six months (I effed up). We broke up for a few months but were able to reconnect and it’s been better than ever. Just the two of us and we are perfectly okay with that.
I do get baby fever from time to time when I come across a cute and chubby brown-skinned baby on Instagram. I’m sure that will always happen but I am completely okay with being childfree. My heart is not 100% into being a parent.
Break the Stigma
There is so much pressure on women to have children. On Mother’s Day that pressure has been unavoidable for me. I shouldn’t be questioned or shamed for my choice to be childfree. Let’s break the stigma and start celebrating and supporting women for living the life they desire. Instead of pushing them towards the one society says they should have.
19 Comments
I completely understand your delima.
I am so glad you are back to blogging, your topics are very relatable and inspiring.
Thank you Crystal!
This topic is also frustrating for me as well. I get 100% of what and how you feel. I am in a relationship and I always get those questions and comments, plus the ” you don’t want to give him kids?”. Usually from those who don’t know the dynamics of my relationship or what I decided for MYSELF. I tend to stop listening after that and feel no need to explain myself to people who don’t know me as a person, that includes family. I’m also out here in Florida with no family members close by, so that is not ideal for me even if I did decide to have one…more than that is not an option. I have baby fever all the time but that’s not enough for me to commit to having one, simply because they are cute and I want to hug them until they start crying. It’s sad when it comes from women and they truly believe that you are suppose to and not for yourself but for you significant other. Like I don’t have a choice and that’s one of my main purposes as a woman is to bare children for another person and not because I choose to….now I’m starting to ramble. I appreciate this topic and you speaking on how you feel and deal with it like so many of us are. Thank you!
It’s a shame that we have to be put in these situations. Being away from family really makes it a little harder. You’d need to find trusted people to assist you. Thank you for your feedback!
People/Family are nosey and rude! I’m happy that you stuck with your decision and didn’t fold to the pressure and constant nagging. Although being a mother and a wife is rewarding – it has many challenges that no one can prepare you for. Continue loving yourself first and enjoying your life!
Thank you Tam!
I thought being a mum was for me. I wanted to experience motherhood and have a relationship with my child I never had with my parents. But children are’nt really ours like a handbag, they are little individuals with minds of their own. You give alot of yourself, and it can be difficult to maintain a sense of who you are without the expectations of motherhood. If you have dreams to achieve certain things, it can hinder it or delay them. But if you fine with that, thats wonderful. Its just a decision to be thought out fully. Good for you for doing so. And if you change your mind, also good. I dont regret being a mum, and an older one too. Its an honour to have been chosen by my son to have this beautiful relationship with him. We should celebrate that we live in a time when we can choose. I am sure it will all be good whatever you choose. Keep rocking the amazing hair!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I’m still planning on having children, but many of my friends are not and face all sorts of weirdness from friends, family, and society.
Hopefully, more women will share more of their feelings with families and friends instead of suffering in silence like I was for years.
Happy Mother’s Day to you Shea! I say so because you don’t have to give birth to be a mother. If you’ve encouraged a niece or nephew, spoke life into a lifeless teen, or volunteered your time…it’s your day. I’m a 39 year old (married) mother of 3 (21, 17, 13) and I love my children dearly, but I wish have waited and loved on me more.
i’m just getting to do somethings that I delayed for taking care of children. Love your blogs
Thankfully I have three nieces I get to spoil and lots of cousins that think I am cool and wanna hang out with me, lol. I am really loving my life as of lately. I’ve been through so much I am going to thoroughly enjoy these moments while I have them.
Hey beautiful,
Wonderful read. I have had the same situations where family pressures me about kids, and why I don’t have them yet.
Ugh… it gets under my skin alot, but I know don’t let it bother me. Made that decision a couple of years ago to not let it get to me.
I do want children. I am 35 this year, so with nothing happening yet, I have faith God will send the right mate for me. I do get in my feelings about having to be an older mom, and whether or not I will be able to handle it. But instead of worrying, I do my best to let it go, let God and continue to improve my self, in all areas of my life.
Thank you for sharing,
Keep excelling and looking beautiful!
In some ways being an older mom does have its benefits. I am sure you won’t think about any of that when it does happen. You’ll be so happy that it won’t ever be a real issue. Thank you for sharing.
This annoys me so much! I’m only 22 and whenever someone brings up the subject I always say I don’t want any children and that I don’t think I was born to be a mom and I always get the same response, that “I’ll change my mind” but the truth is I’ve met more women in their 40’s and 50’s who never changed their minds than ones who did so who’s to say I will? And why does that matter? It’s my body, my life, my choice. I may change my opinion but I also may not and it’s very rude of people to judge me or think they know my future. People should just stop judging women for making their own decisions and knowing what they want in life as if that was such a crime.
Thank you for your comment Marta. You have plenty of time to still decide on children. Don’t let anyone rush you into making a life long decision.
This post resignates on sooooo many levels. I am 44 with no children and I had this same situation on my 44th bday a whole meltdown and for some reason I have struggled with these emotions really bad over the last year or two. I never have been one to let society or ppl pressure me into anything I didn’t want to do but it doesn’t mean I never think about it from time to time. I too was wanting to be married FIRST and have 1 father to my kids some women frown when I say that but it’s my preference so even though I have been in a long term relationship with an amazing man who also is also child free nothing has happened and time is passing us by quickly and I never really thought about it too much bless his heart he says he is fine either way if we do or don’t have kids but now out of nowhere I am having mixed emotions bad I know there is never a perfect time but I don’t want to be to old having babies and dang sure don’t want to do it alone but then I get the what if it never happens and if he wants kids deep down but won’t tell me it’s been crazy in my little head lately but luckily he and I have raised two girls(my nieces) so it’s not like we haven’t had the parenting experience I just didn’t birth them. But I get this question alot too as far as do I want kids but I tell them whether I do or don’t it doesn’t make me any less of a woman than you. So needless to say those who know me don’t ask anymore. I hope this made sense cause sometimes my thoughts go faster than my hands can move. But this was a blog that so many of us needed so Thank you for your transparency.
Thank you for this post, we are the same age and I too am childfree and get asked all the time Y. I have accepted the fact that I might never have kids but do get that baby fever. Im at peace without the child but love to care for others.
Thank! Thank! Thank! for your story
This was a great read. I have no idea why people are so abused with others reproductive organs. If everyone applied the notion “Mind the business that pays you” everyone would be in a much better position.
Woaw,that is a sensitive topic Shea but women has to deal with the question why no kids everytime. Funny enough man never really touch that topic only women. I think sometimes is a way of an unhappy person/ woman finding joy in oppressing other women. I would just say if we can learn to mind our own business this world would be a better place.